On the Eve of my 25th Birthday

Tonight, I prepare for tomorrow. Now more than at any other time in my life I feel like I am about to embark into a new journey, shedding, like a cocoon, the first 24 years of my life.
My life is about to expand to allow new and exciting experiences into my life. In order to prepare and make space for Alisha and her beautiful life, I have to release some lingering "things" (emotions, ideas, beliefs).

1. I don't have to be perfect.
Wow that one came out of nowhere (or has it always sat close to the surface?) This is important for me because I've always placed a lot of pressure on myself to lead by example. I always felt the need to prove to others that I am worthy of their time, money, etc. The need to be perfect seriously contributed to a long period of anxiety induced stress and a few severe panic attacks. Striving for perfection or excellence in school or at my jobs was a way for me to convince others that I was better than my body.

2. My body is amazing
For the past 25 years, my body has always been there for me. I've had very good health my whole life aside from the chronic back pain and obesity, I am only "at risk" for certain diseases, and have somehow staved off diabetes. My doctors are always shocked that I am no where close to high cholesterol or high blood pressure. Each time the results come back I breathe a sigh of relief that I made it another year without some life altering diagnosis. That said, my body is not only relatively healthy, but also strong. I can lift quite a bit of weight by myself. I've also always been really flexible. My body loves stretching and actually likes being active in general. It also can heal itself. Of course I need to help it by providing the right foods and exercise but overall, my body does its normal functioning pretty well without much intervention.

3. I can't save everyone I love
This is a tough one because I have always felt the urge to take responsibility for other people's happiness. This probably started in childhood. I seemed to be shrouded in sadness and chaos as a child. I figured out that if I was nice to others and loved everyone, then I could help make them happy. This was all based on the belief that happiness is what is ideal for everyone. I still believe this to be an ideal, however I believe now that "happiness" for everyone is not always the same thing. I also now believe that I cannot make everyone happy. Some people may not like me, and that is fine. When I give advice and try to help others, and they don't take my advice, then it doesn't matter. Everyone is living their own life, inclusive of all the things they are willing to tolerate. Rather than spending so much time trying to save others. I should work on saving myself, before I am completely lost.

4. If I want to keep the friends I like, I have to reach out.
Over the last few years I have gone from having too many friends to count, to having only a few to talk to. It doesn't really matter how many friends a person has, it mostly matters the quality. I've lost a lot of friends of quality over the years. I think instead of trying to reach back to old friends, I'm just going to try to be better friends to the ones I have now. I need to be cultivating strong, sincere, honest friendships. In order to that I need to be present. I need to show up.

In celebration of living 25 complete years of life, I'm going to commit to loving and honoring myself. My top priorities for this, my first year of discovering and falling in love with my true self are:

1. Emotional Health
 - More feelings of peace
 - More feelings of joy
 - More music, art, and poetry

2. Mental Health
 - More meditation
 - More reading
 - More puzzles

3. Nutritional Health
 - Nutritious Meals
 - Daily vitamins and supplements
 - Detoxes

4. Physical Health
 - Daily movement
 - Weekly yoga/meditation
 - Daily stretching

5. Healthful Beauty
 - Natural body treatments
 - Natural skin treatments
 - Natural hair treatments

Happy Birthday Alisha. Enjoy it because you deserve it.

Post Workout 3 Week 7

it's midway through week 7 and I'm not feeling very confident that I'm ready to implement all of these tools into a daily routine by myself. I keep getting distracted when I don't have things that I need to do everyday.

Post Workout 1 Week 7

Because of spring break, my trainer and I decided to move my training to Monday. My workout today was really good but difficult. I did hover planks today which really showed how much further I need to go. I like feeling like my goal is just out of reach because the progress I make towards it is very significant. Some things that I'm letting go of: 1. Getting to the gym at a specific time. - as long as o get my workout in, it doesn't matter what time I go. So this means plan ahead! If I have plans or something to do, make sure that I plan for my workout too. 2. Eating perfect - I do enjoy many kinds of food. If I want to eat it, I'm going to give myself permission to have some. I don't need a full serving, but I can enjoy a taste. I'm going to pay more attention to how the foods make me feel. So far,fresh foods always make me feel great.

Workout 4 Week 6 (assessment)

These 6 weeks really flew by. Before my workout today, my trainer had me do a fitness assessment. Basically all the same tests that we did right before I started training. The results are amazing!! BMI starting: 38.7 Today: 37.3 Change: -1.4 % body fat Starting: 42.4 Today: 39.8 Change: -2.6% Weight Starting: 225.6 lbs Today: 217.9 lbs Change: -7.

Post Workout 3 Week 6

Half way through week 6 already. I really can't believe how fast the time has gone by. My workout today was good. I woke up late today so I was really full and at times uncomfortable, especially during the high heart rate stuff (lateral shuffles and jamball slams). I am noticing a dramatic change in my strength. I can do 20 squats without too much trouble

Post Workout 1 Week 6

Wow today was an emotional workout. My trainer added jumping jacks to my routine. When I saw it on the sheet I got a little panicked. I've always hated jumping jacks since before I could can remember. I sucked it up and tried to do them. I did the first set and nearly started crying. My boobs are so large that it is simply humiliating to do jumps like that. I feel so disgusting and that people are not only laughing but just totally in awe at how large my breasts are. I feel like a side act in a freak show. It makes me physically sick. I didn't make it through the 2nd set. To make things worse, I didn't bring my sports bra and had to wear my regular bra... Today was definitely an emotional stumbling block.

Post Workout 4 Week 5

This week is practically over and I'm feeling really awesome. The scale today said that I've lost 9 pounds! Now those are the results I was looking for. I did my cardio workout today, 35 minutes interval program, switch direction every 1 minute. It is definitely a difficult program and sweat was just dripping off my face and arms, is it weird that I like it? I'm sure a lot of people find it gross but I just imagine that it's fat and other bad stuff leaving my body. So in that sense it is really rewarding. Today I have nutrition counseling at the gym. I'm pretty excited about it. Notes from the counselor: 1. Afternoon snack 2. Every meal or snack needs a lean protein and carbohydrate. 3. Plan separate meals 4. sandwiches for lunch 5. eat every 3-4 hours

Post Workout 3 Week 5

I've noticed that I'm only journaling after my full body workouts. Not because the cardio workouts are any more difficult but because I just haven't been giving myself enough time for journaling. Today I got to the gym and started my workout at 8:30. This is exciting because I definitely have plenty of time to get to my classes and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to get up at 6:30 this morning. I think the fear and anxiety of being tired was worse than actually getting up. My workout today was pretty intense. I did pushups on the smith machine but I wasn't able to complete all of the 15 reps. I know I have it in me but my muscles were already fatigued from the lat pull downs, plie squats, and tricep pulldowns. I also rocked my med ball pass throughs. Last night Paul said to me that he would like to get into shape too which made me really happy. I know that I'll be a really good supporter when he's ready

Post Workout 1 Week 5

Today I rocked my workout! It was the first time where I know I was doing the moves right because I could feel the moves activating my whole body. The elevated squats were really difficult but I breathed through them. I'm so glad that I don't care at all if people look at me at the gym. A year ago I know that I wouldn't be so vocal during my workouts but now I have no problem counting out loud and releasing the energy. Bring it on week 5, you are mine

Post Workout 4 Week 4

I'm already more than half way through week 4! Definitely a huge milestone. I'm thrilled that I haven't missed a workout yet. I feel so great after my workouts now. My posture is better, my confidence is up and I'm finally starting to see the changes. It is really exciting. Today I did my cardio on the elliptical again. I really like this machine because because I feel like my whole body is in motion, which makes it much more difficult then the stationary bike. I'm on the machine for 35 minutes and I do the interval training program. I switch every minute from going to forward and then backward. My heart rate is staying up above 165 and can get as high as 185 doing this program this way. Before I would switch between segments and my heart rate would drop quickly into the 150s while doing the forward motion for more than a minute. I'm really loving how difficult it is and that I'm able to go the full 35 minutes. I always end with stretching. It usually feels so good that I like to think about it as a reward for kicking ass on my workout.

Training tomorrow!

Post Workout 3 Week 4

Half way through the week already. Today's workout was really fun although you probably couldn't tell by the look on my face. I was heeving and hoing and wincing and breathing hard. I rocked it though. Ink finally seeing the results I've been looking for. My side planks were so much easier today although I didn't time them I could at least hold them in a pretty good position before giving up. I'm also seeing changes in my body! Paul and I have been having a lot more sex and my endurance is unbelievable! I'm allay seeing less fat on my back which is great :)

Post Workout 1 Week 4

I haven't written about my workouts since Thursday. Week 3 was definitely a turning point for me in this process. I had an emotional breakdown about mid week. I have been weighing myself intermittently and have not seen a change on the scale at all! I know that muscle weighs more that fat and that I am really making great progress with my workout, it's difficult to overcome the subconscious obsession with the number... These feelings were made worse when I went to buy sine much needed new pants (still the same size. :( That said, I'm working on it. I'm still committed to my health and I have to continuously remind myself that this is now my life. I workout 6 days a week and go to yoga once a week. I really enjoy my workouts,I feel like I'm changing and getting stronger. Today was a really intense full body workout I did 15 pushups! It felt really awesome to see how much I'm improving

Post Workout 3 Week 3

The last day of february and the last 29th for another 4 years. Today I had a really difficult workout. I think that the exercises I did today were overall harder than the ones I did on monday but I think specifically it was the smith machine pushups that kicked my ass. I felt my chest muscles twitch in between the 15 rep sets. I'm glad that I did 15 though, myonly really concern was my right elbow hurting wile doing the downward motion on the bar. hopefully it gets better. 3 hours is the ideal time for my workouts. This includes the entire workout, the shower, some food and the journal :)

Post Workout 2 Week 3

Today I was much more awake. I need to start going to bed earlier so that I can wake up in enough time to do all of my stuff. Anyway, today was a cardio day and instead of the usual 30 mins, my trainer is having me increase the time to 35 mins. I also switched to interval training and I switch between going forward and backward. Definitely difficult but feeling good about it.

Post Workout 1 Week 3

I can't believe it's week 3 already. Today I was REALLY tired. Paul and I smoked a lot of weed last night and then he didn't go to work this morning. When we smoke we have completely opposite libido reactions. Mine increases tremendously and his drops into oblivion. Basically I just waited around this morning so that we could have some fun since he wasn't going to work. Instead he slept and I got a later start then I would have liked. I rushed to get my stuff together and made it to class on time. My plan was to try to finish the lab as soon as possible and go to the gym before class. Oh also, when I left home it was beautiful outside. By the time I got off the bus it started sprinkling. I did not bring a coat today. :( the lab took longer than I would have liked (I was hoping to be done at 12 which would have given me close to 2 hours to workout, shower and get to class. Instead I left class at 12:30. When I got to the gym I realized that I didn't bring a workout shirt or a body scrubber. I went ahead and jumped into my workout. The workout overall went well. I did the side planks which felt really good, I was kind of intimidated by them but I was able to do 8 passes. Today the hardest part of the workout was the side planks. The dumbbell bench press was done on the stability ball. Currently the weight that I've been using is 7.5 lbs which honestly is getting kind of easy,I think that I'll switch to the 10 lb weights on Wednesday. Today I also increased the lat pull down weight from 30-40 lbs for the 2nd and 3rd reps. Overall I'm feeling stronger and this week's word is ”tough” so I'm trying to make each move count. I'm also working on being able to control my eating. I'm still in the same pattern of celebrating with food, or dealing with crisis with food. I know that this will directly affect my progress. :/

Post Workout 6 Week 2

I did it again. Today paul and I went to the gym together. I did my warm up and 30 mins of cardio and then my stretches. For my cardio I did the interval training as recommended by my trainer. It was difficult but I really enjoyed how it made the time go by so much faster. Stretching felt awesome. Overall I'm feeling a lot stronger and healthier. This week I made it the gym early and I really liked not having to worry about it all day long. Tomorrow, paul and I are thinking about going to play some tennis. :)

Post Workout 5 Week 2

So today I met with my trainer and learned some new exercises. Unfortunately I got really drunk last night and was totally hung over. I pushed it out of my mind during the workout but now I'm really feeling it. note to self-no drinking before workouts! In fact I think I'm going to lay off the drinks for a while. Admission-I also ordered some jack in the box last night after drinking. I got the ultimate cheeseburger with curly fries and then some potato wedges! after eating so well for the last couple of weeks, really feel so gross now. I also started getting acid reflux during my workout. Other than that, I'm really making some great progress. Today I held a plank on a balance ball for 47 seconds! I feel that 1 min mark coming :D

Post Workout 4 Week 2

I love going to the gym! I never thought I would say this, but I really enjoy being active and am pretty competitive with myself. I think growing up I really hated exercising because I was convinced that everyone around me were judging me and looking at me. I still think those things but I simply don't care. I'm finally don't this for me and not for anyone or anything else. I really do feel free. Today was a cardio day. I love these a lot. I started with the hard part this time. 5 mins going backwards. But changed it up and only went two mins forward with a 5 point resistance. The time really flew by, and by the end of it I was really sweating. After, I held 3 planks. 2 for 35 sec and 1 for 40! I was really amazed and I think that they're a lot easier when I haven't worked my upper body so hard. after my workout I went to robeks and got the acai bowl which is delicious! Treating myself with health

Post Workout 3 Week 2

Today I did my full body routine. I made a decision to do all of the exercises that I didn't do on monday today. One of which was the smith machine push ups. I was really scared to do it mostly because it's totally out in the open where a lot of guys workout. I'm trying really hard not to let myself get intimidated by the assumed thoughts of those around me, judging me. I sucked it up and got on the machine. Everyone around me was really nice and patient while I did my pushups. I continued on through my workout and felt really great afterward. I want to to get to the gym earlier so that I have time to study. Tomorrow will be the real test since I HAVE to be early to my class tomorrow at 11. So how about a plan. It is taking me about 1 and a half hour to complete my workout and shower. Plus 30 min to get to class. I was to get to class at 10:45a. I need to get to the gym at 8:30 meaning that I have to leave my house no later than 8am. Doing it!

Post Workout 2 Week 2

Today was another cardio day and I pushed myself to a new limit. For the first 10 mins I switch every 2 mins going forward and then backward on the elliptical. Then for the last 20 mins I switch every 5 mins. Going backwards is definitely more challenging than going forward. Now when u stitch to going forward, my heart rate drops really quickly. In order to keep my heart rate up I increased the resistance from 1 to 5! So right now my my cardio routine is 10 min - 2 min switch forward backward cross ramp 10 resistance 1 5 min backward CR 10 Reist. 1 5 min forward CR 10 resist. 5 Repeat Feeling good feeling strong :)

Post Workout 1 Week 2

I can't believe that its week two already! Today I accomplished my goal of working out in the morning. I kind of got a late start today and got to the gym at 10. I finished my full body workout right at 11. I made the decision that missing class today was alright because I desperately needed a shower. this week my trainer has given me a list of exercises to choose from in each category. It was really intimidating at first but once I started the actual workout it became kind of fun. It was nice that there weren't as many people there. I want to try to get in earlier and then use the time I have before class to study. I think that will be a really good routine for me. I really want to see physical results right away, but I'm just trying to focus on the small internal changes. I'm definitely feeling stronger and taking the stairs is not as difficult. Paul mentioned last night that he could feel some muscles in my arms. He told me that I'm inspiring him to get healthy too. All this time I was wanting him to inspire me! Well overall I'm feeling good and am getting sore basically everyday. but my abs are feeling tighter :) My treat for today was a robeks smoothie. It had 17 grams of protein in it and I'm thinking they more protein is probably good at this point since I'm trying to build muscle. I'm being really kind to myself

Post Workout #6

I can't believe that I worked out six days in a row. This has NEVER happened before, and I absolutely loved it! I feel great, I really feel like I've found what I had been missing in my life. Today I did the elliptical machine for about 5 mins for my warm up and then frankenstien walks, lunge stretches (love these), and arm circles. I remember when I first started that the arm circles really killed me, now they are totally manageable, and a great thing to do after the really painful/difficult push ups I did yesterday.

For my cardio I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and I switched between going forward and backward. This was really great because I felt like I was in competition with my self. The backwards motion was really hard but I pushed myself to do it for 5 minutes straight before switching back to the forward motion :) *high five me*

As a reward for completing my workout schedule this week. I just bought myself a super cute water bottle for my workouts! I love it and I think that it will work really well for me.

I've also been eating really healthy this week, but I'm going to push myself even more this next week. Two times already we ate out and I had a veggie sandwich one night with a lot of white bread and cheese (only ate half) and then last night I splurged on a veggie burger and fries. I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up for eating foods that are bad for me. Instead I just say to myself, "ok, go ahead and eat it, but just know what you're doing to yourself and that it will effect your workouts later." As long as I accept that, then I eat without guilt.

When I go to the gym at school, it's alway so crowed. I usually go around 5pm and I guess that's when everyone else is done for the day too. I mentioned this to my trainer and she suggested that I try going in the morning before it gets too busy. I'm mostly concerned about the whole showering thing, but they mentioned that the showers are super clean. So I'm going to try it out on Monday I think. I'm going to get up at 6am make breakfast for Paul and I, and then head to campus around 7am. I should get into the gym by 7:45am with a 1 hour work out, I would be done at 8:45a. Then I'm meeting my group members for a last minute study session before our first big midterm. Study from 9:30-11am. Lab from 11-12:30, Supplementary instruction from 12:30-1:45, Midterm from 2-3:15pm, and then class from 3:30-4:45. Catch the bus at 5pm. Be home by 5:45. shower, then homework from 6-7pm. Make dinner from 7-8:30pm. 8:30-10pm Homework. Bed by 10.

I think I can handle that :)

Tomorrow, for my "active rest day" I'm going to go to yoga on the bluff at 11. I think that it will be a beautiful way to end the week!

Post Workout #5

Did you just read that? Workout number 5 in one week! I really can't believe that I for my butt to the gym 5 days in a row. This is a huge accomplishment for me. One that I know I can do now. I feel amazing.
Today I worked out with my trainer. I feel like we're communicating really well and she is pushing me just enough. Really I feel like I'm pushing myself and she's just there cheering me on, knowing that I can do it. It is really important because I don't want to let her down, but more importantly I don't want to let my future self down.

I'm trying to set small attainable goals for myself.
1. hold a plank for a while minute
2. Get to the gym in the morning
3. Drink more water


today's note to self: in it to win it

Post Workout 4

Today was another cardio day. I can't believe that I just worked out 4 days in a row. Definitely a first for me and a huge milestone. I went directly after class and didn't have lunch, instead I had a nut snack and some coconut water, which was delicious snag healthy, but more post work out I'm really hungry and thirsty. :(  I'm going to reward myself when I get home with a large spinach salad with walnuts and strawberries. Yes that sounds great. I feel like I've been doing really well with eating healthy. Last night paul and I got into a fight and because he had a stressful day, he wanted to get fast food to eat. I recognize that as a pattern of behavior that I have struggled with for a long time now. When stress gets to me I don't want to put in extra effort to cook a meal too. In fact I did that on Monday. After a really long day and a tough workout in my own I decided to get some leo's mexican food, as a ”reward”. I don't think that I'll be doing that again.
At the gym today, I did my usual warmup and then did 30 mins if cardio on the bike. It was difficult but I still did it :)

Pre workout 3

I don't want to workout today.
1. I'm sore
2. I'm tried
3.
Ok so I only have two reasons for not working out today. I guess that I'm not that sore... Maybe coffee?

UPDATE: After this moment, I texted my trainer about how I was feeling, here's what she said:
Me: Hey ___ , I'm really feeling kind of tired today and am fighting to use that as an excuse not to work out today. Do you have any suggestions? Is coffee ok? I try to avoid it if I can.
Her: I know exactly how you feel, but I'm actually getting ready for a workout myself. As hard as it may be to get started that really is the most difficult part. You'll have much more energy once you get moving. Its scientifically proven! (Nerdy, I know). Do you have an orange or something citrus-y? The smell awakens you instantly!
Me: Mmm orange. I will definitely grab one before heading over to the gym. Thank you! :D
I'm still going to do it!
Her: I'll probably see you! Lol  You got this girl!

So I sucked it up, and I actually ended up having an awesome workout. Having a trainer is amazing!

Love yourself Post workout 2

So many people struggle with body image issues, low self-esteem, and eating disorders. Remember to love yourself today first before expressing your love to others. You are beautiful, loved, and valuable even if you don't quite see it yet.- Who said that? Oh that's right, I did!


Today in class I said that my hobby right now is going to the gym and I really meant it. It didn't sound foreign in my head, it sounded honest. After class a friend/classmate of mine, asked me when I work out, looking for a buddy. That was really great because I consider her to be really beautiful and fit. I know that most people feel like they don't work out enough but it was nice to hear support from someone who I admire. She was really kind and encouraging about it. Maybe we'll work out together sometime. Myriam and I had talked about going to the gym together every Tuesday but being valentine's day, she went home early to be with her hubby. Paul seemed a little upset that I was going to be home late again tonight but he didn't say anything. I have to remember to thank him again for being so supportive.
Today I watched an episode of ”I used to be fat” on MTV. The episode was really inspiring and made me cry. I just keep reminding myself that I am the only one that can get in my way right now, and past Alisha is gone. Future Alisha is finally finding her place and her voice.
Today I fought a little bit with myself about whether or not to do 30 mins of cardio. Stefanie wrote that I had to do between 25 and 30 mins. around the 16 min mark, I was thinking that I would just stop at 25 because it was pretty difficult. By the  time I got to 22 mins it somehow got easier. I mentally and physically pushed myself to that 30 min mark. THEN I timed myself on my planks and I held each one for at least 30 seconds! This was huge since just Saturday I was barely able to do 20 seconds!
Overall a great work out and I'm really proud of myself. I texted Stefanie and got a virtual high five. Now I'm off to spend a wonderful night with my hunny. We're going to make pistachio crusted red snapper and veggies fitter dinner.
Today was a great day

Post Workout 1

Today I worked out in my own. I feel really proud of myself. It was also nice to see Myriam there and we gave each other a pep-talk and said how proud we were of each other. I saw Lucas there too in the weight area. He gave me a hug and seemed impressed that I was there working out. That really encouraged me because I was surrounded by 4 fit guys lifting like 20lb weights at least. I feel like that could have been really intimidating but I just didn't let negative thoughts come into my mind. I don't care if other people look at me or judge because of the way I look because I know that I'm there working hard to change. I'm a little concerned about my knees but I'm hoping that after I build up some strength that the pain will go away. The hardest workouts today were the one arm row on the left. My left arm has a lot of pain, it is the sorest part of my body. I tried to massage it in order to get the dumbbell up but it was REALLY difficult. I am concerned that it is injured since the other arm feels fine.  planks were difficult and I didn't time myself. I just held it add long as I could and then held it for another 5 seconds (or tired to anyway). I also saw Stefanie and got an awesome high five from her. It made me feel really good to see familiar faces and to get encouragement. Afterwards I called Michele and cliff who were both so impressed and proud that I'll taking care of myself. I only wish that I ate more food today. Too few calories and now I'm starving!

Personal Training!

So at my campus, there is a state of the art gym. All students pay membership fees and there are some awesome perks that come with it. I signed up and went to my free fitness assessment on Friday February 3rd. For the first time I feel totally emotionally and psychologically ready to actually get healthy. My entire life I have struggled with my weight and now I'm realizing quickly that I am on a direct path toward diabetes and heart disease. At my last doctor's visit I was told that surprisingly, I am very healthy. But I have severe back pain, and possibly a herniated disk. My doctor told me that he wont do a scan of my back until I lose some weight because it would be difficult to even do surgery with my body this size. Additionally, there is a good chance that if I lose some weight, then the pain will go away.

During my fitness assessment I found that I weighed 226 pounds. On my 5'4" frame that makes me obese. Additionally I'm in the "at risk" category for nearly every health related issue because of my size. I've been talking about this with myself, but also my mentor/friend and I feel like I have a really healthy perspective on things right now. When I look in the mirror, I no longer hate myself. I look at my body and I think, "OKAY, this is what your body is right now, this is what you look like, but you are changing it so be happy." This is a complete 180 from moments of complete loss and sadness. I really do feel like I hit rock bottom and now I'm finally swimming to the top.

After my fitness assessment I signed up for orientation, but I also made up my mind to sign up for personal training. I had to pay all of it up front, but it comes out to about $28 per session once a week. The really great part is that my trainer is the same woman who did my assessment and my orientation. Every week she gives me a work out plan that I have to follow. I'm really excited about this new path that I'm forming for myself. I am the architect of my life. I am healthy, strong, and eat well.

Here goes everything!

Here we go

So since my last post, I did quit my organization. I had to deal with a lot of guilt about it, but since the I've told everyone,  I've been feeling so great. I'm finally, for the first time in my life, putting myself first. Here are the commandments for my life

Work out everyday
Drink water everyday
Eat vegetables everyday
Eat fruit everyday
Eat whole grains everyday
Eat meat free everyday

Time for me

So I've been thinking about quiting the organization that I started and am currently the president of. But this its a very difficult decision. I think that the organization is very important and many people are benefiting from its existence, however it is a tremendous amount of work and for the past few years that I have been working on stuff like this, I have simply not had the energy or time for myself. And as a result I have lost self confidence, a healthy body, my sexy curves, and a trim waistline. By giving all I had and then some to others with my organizations and organizing I have left very little for myself.
I want to gain now a healthy life style, confidence to wear anything I want, my sexiness back and a slim waistline.
So I'm afraid to leave because I think that people would resent me for it. Am I too arrogant in thinking that they couldn't go on without me? Or that they would fail because I'm the only one who can do it right? And then I would be the cause of the organization failing?
I guess that I just have to get over it. If it continues then great, if it doesn't then at least I can say I did something important and stood up for what I believed in.
yes  I think I'm ok with that.