Here we go again. Just two weeks ago I was bawling my eyes out because I was afraid that my boyfriend didn't find me attractive. I've been a wreck for the last 2 hours because when he was transferring some files from a flash drive to the computer, my "before" picture popped up. A side shot of me in a bra and panties at my heaviest point. 220lbs- Two hundred and twenty pounds. I was hoping that I could use that photo to measure my amazing success. Instead it was a slap in the face reminder of the fact that I still haven't done (changed) anything. And I was horrified that my boyfriend saw it. Without warning, there is his fat girlfriend. I don't even let him see me naked if I can help it. (no lights on during sex please)
So here I am again, this time sitting in bed alone with a pile of tissues on the dresser. But is this rock bottom for me? Am I ready to change my life? Honestly, not really.
Here's why:
I'm under a lot of stress both for school and my organization. I'm heading into finals and still have two papers to write. I just made a lifelong commitment to my organization by convincing everyone that we should make it a non-profit. And develop an auxiliary program and host a film screening.
How do I cope with stress and anxiety? I eat. I love delicious food. And the food I'm talking about is not what one would consider healthy. Why do I love it? Because for a brief moment (20-30 minutes. However long it takes to finish a meal) all of my anxieties disappear. I can be free from the stress of school and all of the responsibilities I've given myself. The taste of the foods make me feel good.
So to the internet I go! I'm familiar with all of the weight-loss information. I've been studying nutrition and weight loss since I was in high school. I know that crash-diets don't work and the only way to really lose weight is to change your diet (eating the right combos of food etc.) and plenty of exercise. Everyone's got excuses. So here are mine.
I don't have time to work out. Any spare time I have I should be working on schoolwork or work for the organization. (Basically I feel guilty if I do something for myself, when I have so many other responsibilities)
I don't have time to cook/make/plan meals. (see "logic" above)
Those are really the only excuses I have right now. Also since I'm in such a depressed state right now I know for a fact that if I ate a salad, I would start bawling. So in order to cope with this particular moment of despair, I need a burger and fries. I guess I'll go to the gym tomorrow.
Although I am liking what I'm seeing here on PriorFatGirl.com. And Jen's post titled "You are unhealthy" is probably what I need to remind myself everyday.
http://www.priorfatgirl.com/2011/11/you-are-unhealthy.html
So here I am again, this time sitting in bed alone with a pile of tissues on the dresser. But is this rock bottom for me? Am I ready to change my life? Honestly, not really.
Here's why:
I'm under a lot of stress both for school and my organization. I'm heading into finals and still have two papers to write. I just made a lifelong commitment to my organization by convincing everyone that we should make it a non-profit. And develop an auxiliary program and host a film screening.
How do I cope with stress and anxiety? I eat. I love delicious food. And the food I'm talking about is not what one would consider healthy. Why do I love it? Because for a brief moment (20-30 minutes. However long it takes to finish a meal) all of my anxieties disappear. I can be free from the stress of school and all of the responsibilities I've given myself. The taste of the foods make me feel good.
So to the internet I go! I'm familiar with all of the weight-loss information. I've been studying nutrition and weight loss since I was in high school. I know that crash-diets don't work and the only way to really lose weight is to change your diet (eating the right combos of food etc.) and plenty of exercise. Everyone's got excuses. So here are mine.
I don't have time to work out. Any spare time I have I should be working on schoolwork or work for the organization. (Basically I feel guilty if I do something for myself, when I have so many other responsibilities)
I don't have time to cook/make/plan meals. (see "logic" above)
Those are really the only excuses I have right now. Also since I'm in such a depressed state right now I know for a fact that if I ate a salad, I would start bawling. So in order to cope with this particular moment of despair, I need a burger and fries. I guess I'll go to the gym tomorrow.
Although I am liking what I'm seeing here on PriorFatGirl.com. And Jen's post titled "You are unhealthy" is probably what I need to remind myself everyday.
http://www.priorfatgirl.com/2011/11/you-are-unhealthy.html
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