One Day At A Time

Today is New Year's Eve, and for many, the day to set some New Year resolutions. I have been fortunate this year to spend the New Year celebrations with one of my best friends from high school. We've been lucky enough to reconnect around this time every year and I always come away from the experience feeling rejuvenated. She always seems to say exactly what I need to hear.

1. I am my own architect
2. I am worthy
3. I am free
4. I am released
5. I am a size 10

I'm starting this year, 2012, with a new attitude. I have already been wanting to change things in my life as a I get ready to graduate in May, most importantly, changing my body before I walk across the stage. I also really want to commit to being vegan.

Why? I am worthy and deserving of feeling and being healthy. The ways in which meat and dairy are processed in the United States basically ensures some kind of serious illness eventually coming from a meat based diet.

For this new year I am committing to the following positive beliefs.

1. I am meat free - meaning I eat only vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, grains
2. I am dairy free - meaning I eat only vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, grains
3. I am worthy and deserving of a beautiful healthy body
4. I am a size 8 (my point of measurement for tangible success - subject to change)

Happy New Year to me!!!

Is this rock bottom yet?

Here we go again. Just two weeks ago I was bawling my eyes out because I was afraid that my boyfriend didn't find me attractive. I've been a wreck for the last 2 hours because when he was transferring some files from a flash drive to the computer, my "before" picture popped up. A side shot of me in a bra and panties at my heaviest point. 220lbs- Two hundred and twenty pounds. I was hoping that I could use that photo to measure my amazing success. Instead it was a slap in the face reminder of the fact that I still haven't done (changed) anything. And I was horrified that my boyfriend saw it. Without warning, there is his fat girlfriend. I don't even let him see me naked if I can help it. (no lights on during sex please)

So here I am again, this time sitting in bed alone with a pile of tissues on the dresser. But is this rock bottom for me? Am I ready to change my life? Honestly, not really.

Here's why:
I'm under a lot of stress both for school and my organization. I'm heading into finals and still have two papers to write. I just made a lifelong commitment to my organization by convincing everyone that we should make it a non-profit. And develop an auxiliary program and host a film screening.

How do I cope with stress and anxiety? I eat. I love delicious food. And the food I'm talking about is not what one would consider healthy. Why do I love it? Because for a brief moment (20-30 minutes. However long it takes to finish a meal) all of my anxieties disappear. I can be free from the stress of school and all of the responsibilities I've given myself. The taste of the foods make me feel good.

So to the internet I go! I'm familiar with all of the weight-loss information. I've been studying nutrition and weight loss since I was in high school. I know that crash-diets don't work and the only way to really lose weight is to change your diet (eating the right combos of food etc.) and plenty of exercise. Everyone's got excuses. So here are mine.

I don't have time to work out. Any spare time I have I should be working on schoolwork or work for the organization. (Basically I feel guilty if I do something for myself, when I have so many other responsibilities)

I don't have time to cook/make/plan meals. (see "logic" above)

Those are really the only excuses I have right now. Also since I'm in such a depressed state right now I know for a fact that if I ate a salad, I would start bawling. So in order to cope with this particular moment of despair, I need a burger and fries. I guess I'll go to the gym tomorrow.

Although I am liking what I'm seeing here on PriorFatGirl.com. And Jen's post titled "You are unhealthy" is probably what I need to remind myself everyday.

http://www.priorfatgirl.com/2011/11/you-are-unhealthy.html

Weight Depression

Why is it so difficult?

My whole life I've struggled with my weight.  I remember so clearly around age 5 when I hungrily reached across the kitchen table for seconds, and my mom saying "do you want to be fat like your cousin?" It was first time I connected being "fat" with being bad. Looking back at pictures of myself I see a perfectly healthy little girl with no sign of eventual obesity. Age 5 was also the year my parents got divorced and the year I was molested by my neighbor Krista who couldn't have been more than 12 years old at the time. It was the year my life went upside down. Just prior to the divorce, my parents lost their house and we went from living in the suburbs in a 4 bedroom house with a playroom, a beautiful backyard and great schools, to a one-room apartment on one of the busiest streets in the city. I quickly had to learn how to fend for myself and my little sister who is two years younger. Both of my parents struggled to make ends meet and between the fighting and the cops arresting one or the other for domestic violence I found simple pleasure in food. Eating a McDonald's "Happy Meal," usually chicken nuggets and fries allowed me to escape the chaos and for a moment focus on how delicious the smooth sweet and sour sauce was on the crunchy exterior of the all white meat chicken piece. I would eat one fry at a time dipped in just enough ketchup. And then the grand finale! A toy just for me, a token to remember how happy that meal had made me. By the time I was eight, I had boxes of McDonald's happy meal toys. I also started being made fun of for being fat. I remember still, clear as day walking down the hallway to the cafeteria and one of my male classmates starting a chant behind me, "1-800-94-Jenny" which was the catchy slogan of the popular 1995 Jenny Craig commercials.

I think that it is safe to say that I never learned how to eat healthy. And since my life was and continued to be chaotic, eating was the only thing I knew that I could control. Food also became a sure sense of pleasure for me. How good food tastes allows me for a moment to forget all of the crappy things going on in my life. In high school I ballooned to 225 pounds and at 5'4" that meant that I was clinically obese. Eventually I moved in with my aunt and uncle and to a new school. I was fortunate to finally live in a home where we regularly had home-cooked meals, and if I asked I could get a homemade lunch too! Not only that, but I was given a gym membership, and both my aunt and uncle would take me to the gym at least twice a week. In a little over a year I dropped down to 165. It was amazing, I went from a size 18 to a size 10! You would think that I would be thrilled. One thing that they don't tell you about losing weight, is that even when you lose the weight, it's a lot harder for your brain to understand that you've lost the weight. I would look in the mirror and still think that I was the same size. I would get anxious when I'd walk between desks because my fat stomach would maybe slide over someone's desk and gross them out. My mom and aunt weren't all that helpful either, saying things like, "you're almost there, if you lose 20 more pounds then you'd look great." I became so demoralized because even after losing 65 pounds, it still wasn't good enough.

When I went to college, I finally gained control of my whole life. I could drive wherever I wanted, I could stay out late, and even drink and smoke if I wanted to. But adjusting to adult life was full of new problems I had to deal with. I wanted to be a stage actor, but upon seeing the thin, almost frail body type of my female peers I almost instantly changed my mind. At my first audition, I was so terrified that the directors were judging me based on my appearance that I messed up my lines in my monologue and immediately went to my advisor to change my focus to something backstage. Living on campus, I had all of my meals at the dinning hall. I ate, whatever I wanted - anything that would taste good. In a year I gained about 20 pounds.  I maintained my weight between a size 12 and 14, mostly because I was constantly busy working 3 jobs and going to school full time. I didn't have time to work out and I certainly didn't have time to make my own meals. I relied on In 'n Out and Del Taco for sustenance. 

The entire time I was unhappy with my weight and sincerely believed myself to be disgustingly fat. Especially compared to my perfectly petite roommates. I bought tons of weight loss magazines and books, I signed up with Jenny Craig, I bought exercise books, and learned everything I could online about how to lose weight and keep it off. I believed that I would never get a guy to love me or be attracted to me because of my weight. I kept thinking, if I could just lose weight, then I would be happy.

But the shitty thing about being over weight because you find pleasure in food, is that when you get depressed about your weight, all you want to do is eat something, because for a moment it will make you feel better, and no, a carrot is not the same as a cheeseburger.

So then begins the cycle of abuse that I inflict on myself. I look in the mirror and tell myself, "you're disgusting, look at how your stomach is sticking out and now drooping over your underwear." When my boyfriend doesn't feel like having sex, I tell myself that "he thinks you're fat. Isn't it gross watching a fat person have sex? Exactly, it's what he's thinking too. Why would he want to have sex with a fat, squishy, disgusting body, when he could just jerk off to porn in the other room?" I don't believe that my boyfriend would cheat on me with another woman, but I do believe that he wouldn't tell me these things to my face in order to spare my feelings. If I flatly ask him if he's thinking this, he would of course deny it, so I don't ask because either answer would be devastating.

Nearly 10 years after reaching my heaviest point, I'm there again. I weighed myself recently at 220. I slowly crept up into 190 and then moved closer and closer to 200, jumping from 200 to 220 happened, it seemed overnight. I look at myself in the mirror and am horrified by the stretch marks on my stomach and hips. It looks like I've been pregnant. Now I'm scared to lose weight because I'm afraid that I will still hate myself and my body. When the skin loosens up, then I'll have all of this loose, scarred skin to remind me that I wasn't and will never be beautiful.

Each time I reach this depressed low point, I try to get healthy again. I look online, "how to lose weight" and now it's even more depressing because I already know everything that is out there. I've tried the crash diets, and then learned how terrible they are for you, I know what my BMI is, and how many calories I should eat in a day. I know that I should eat a combination of healthy foods along with maintaining an excise routine in order to lose weight in a healthy way and keep it off.  And most importantly, I know that it will take a while. It can take months, even a year to lose the amount of weight that I want to. I would like to lose 80 pounds, which would put me at 140. And I wanted to do this before my college graduation in May. Right now that gives me a little over 6 months which is not a realistic goal since they say one should expect to lose 1-2 pounds per week if they are doing it right. 1-2 pounds per week would put me at 30-40 pounds lost. So around 180 if I worked really hard starting today. I guess, if I put it like that, it sounds pretty good. 180 is about 10 pounds less than what I weighed when I met my boyfriend 3 years ago...

But will losing weight really make me happy? Will I still find something to hate about my body? My uneven skin, my gray hair, my stretch marks, my sagging breasts? Probably, so then is losing weight really worth it? 

Another Day

I am confident, joyous, health conscious, spiritual, sexy, athletic, adventurous and a gypsy.

Today I am making a presentation because I'm confident.  I'll also go for a walk today because I'm athletic. Since I'm particularly spiritual I will definitely meditate today.  I will be eating a salad today because it is healthy for me.  Today is going to be a great day because I am filed with joy.

New Beginnings

It seems that I always start the same way. From the beginning or a new beginning. Whatever that means. How can I start at the beginning? The beginning was the day that I was born and to be honest, I have no interest is reliving the last 24 years of my tumultuous life.  So where or when do I start? And what I am I starting?  I seem to always have an idea of what I'm starting. Like, I'm "starting to lose weight" or I'm "starting to get healthy."  But I'm beginning to see a problem with this whole "starting" idea.  First of all, it would mean that I would have to "finish" it.  And honestly, I'm not good at finishing anything.  It is taking me nearly 7 years to finish my undergraduate degree (still not finished).  I can't remember the last book I finished reading, and finishing an assignment for class is excruciating.  So if starting something means that I have to finish it, that's probably not the best way to approach my life.

So what am I doing then? I guess I'm living... It is really hard to maintain that mindset of "living in the moment" mostly because we live in a time-sensitive world.  I have plans tomorrow, I have plans next week, I have stuff I have to do between this moment and the next. So how do I live in the moment?  


OK so there's some stuff for me to think about.  And it is all related to the fact that I'm unhappy. Wait, that doesn't sound right.  I am "happy" in the sense that I have great friends, a wonderful boyfriend and am pretty healthy.  But ultimately I feel as though I'm not living my life. When I say my life, I mean is that my external life is not matching who I am internally.  Inside I'm this confident, joyous, health conscious, spiritual, sexy, athletic, adventurous gypsy.  And on the outside I'm a leader, organizer, clinically obese, overwhelmed, overworked, spiritually unfulfilled, sexually unsatisfied student.

OK... epiphany.  These are all "intersecting" traits of my identity.  All this time I was thinking that my weight was holding me back entirely but now I see that my weight is only one part of who I am (and now I'm remembering when my boyfriend tried to convince me of this before)!  Being a Women's, Gender and Sexuality Studies student, I had always understood how my identity in relation to politics is very inter-sectional, in that I am a woman, I am half Japanese, part white, part native American, working poor, and a student.  But now I see so much more of how unique I really am. 


So now what? Well I guess that I should do what I can today.
Maybe I can try to just do things every day that fulfill my internal self and ignores my external self (because that's not who I really am anyway).

Health-conscious Alisha ate today:
Breakfast: Yogurt cup
2 egg white scramble with mushrooms, green bell pepper, and a slice of colby cheese.

Confident Alisha wrote honestly in her blog today

Joyous Alisha

Spiritual Alisha - will mediate today

Adventurous Alisha

Athletic Alisha - will go to the gym today

Sexy Alisha - will wear some jewelry today

Gypsy Alisha

I only have to worry about today.

Day 7

I haven't written in a few days and they have been tough.

I went from only Juice to Juice plus raw fruits and veggies (no processed foods) to having eaten a veggie burger last night. Why did I eat the veggie burger? I noticed while and after I was eating I had a very full feeling. Aside from being delicious, I fell full and satisfied. The full feeling actually left me a little uncomfortable, but I liked the sensation of being full. I'm not quite sure where that comes from. Perhaps I equate it with being safe.

Today is Monday and I'm continuing with my healthy lifestyle. I had some mushrooms and hummus this morning and now I'm going to go and make my morning greens juice.

Spinach

Cucumber

Apple

I went to Yoga on the Bluff yesterday and had an amazing session. I'm going to do yoga this morning after my juice :)

Week 1 measurements

Weight: 215 lbs

Bust: 47.5"

Waist: 43 3/4"

Hips: 49 3/4"

LArm: 15.5"

RArm: 16"

LThigh: 29"

RThigh: 29"

Day 4

Wow 4 days already! This is really getting easier. Yesterday I bought some coconut milk and some green powder which REALLY helps for those mid-day cravings. I've been allowing myself to eat raw fruits and vegetables if I don't have access to juice. This means that I have successfully gone 4 whole days WITHOUT processed foods! This is huge since processed foods are a HUGE part of my diet.

Today I was hosting a potluck no less but was able to think ahead and plan accordingly. I went to the grocery store and picked up a mango coleslaw, which is fresh mango, cabbage, watercress, and green onions mixed with a citrus dressing. I'm skeptical about the dressing but the rest was all raw and non-processed so that made me really happy that I was able to find a healthy alternative. I bought a little of that so that I could be eating SOMETHING while everyone else was enjoying the delicious food.

As for what is coming out- my stools are very loose and clumpy. It reminds me of what I was expelling during the master cleanse (not a whole lot). My Juicing partner has convinced me that we will need to do enemas... I am not looking forward to this, or am I? Part of me is very interested in the whole process, but I'm not looking forward to what it may feel like, or what may come out :/

Juice today:
Morning: All fruit
Two 12 oz drinks of green powder with coconut milk. Delicious!

It is late and I am sleepy. Good night :)

Day 2 re-cap and Day 3

So last night was really intense and emotional for me. I felt really hungry and had only two juices all day. It was nearing dinner time and I just felt like giving up. The thought of real food was intoxicating. It wasn't that I wanted to eat something unhealthy I just wanted that full feeling. This was AFTER I had recently had a conversation with a co-worker about how those "feelings" are completely mental.

I felt completely powerless and began crying to my boyfriend about how hard this is and how miserable and unhappy I am with my weight. I have to say that I have the most understanding, loving, wonderful and caring partner I think a person can have. He talked me through it and made me feel better, telling me that he loves me the way that I am but supports my need to change this HUGE part of my life.

We talked about making some serious changes to our routine and diet including, weaning off processed foods and including more fruits and vegetables in our already vegetarian diet.

I ended up eating a grilled slab of salmon and steamed broccoli (not homemade but from a local delivery place). I felt proud of myself that I chose a healthy alternative to the usual veggie burger and fries. I also skipped the white rice.

So now I think that from today onward, I'm going to be really kind to myself and not alienate my inner-self who is really struggling with these lifestyle changes that I'm putting her through. I need to keep reminding her that everything is going to be OK and that with me in charge, she will be safe. Settling my mind in this way I think will really help this process along. I am NOT torturing her! I am helping her and I know that she is grateful but just scared. But it is going to be alright, in fact it is going to be so much better.

And... It already IS better! Since the start of this summer I have lost 9 lbs. I've fluctuated a lot but it seems like an overall loss is really great.

This means that as of today I weighed in at 216lbs. I had been stuck around the 218 mark but have broken past it and am on my way out of the 200s :D

Today's Juices
Breakfast:
4 Celery stalks
6 cups Spinach
1 Beet

Lunch
1 Large Cucumber
4 Carrots
1 Apple

Day 2

Today's morning juice was much better! (By the way the beet, apple and carrot juice was delicious!) Today I had 1 bushel (around 6 cups) of spinach and two celery stalks. With ice it tastes like a latte!

I woke up this morning with a headache. I think it's from grinding/clenching my teeth when I'm asleep. My jaw always feels exhausted. The headache lasted through my morning yoga session and all through work. It is now 6:30pm and it's still there a bit. I haven't taken any medication for it though...

I ran out of time this morning to make a lunch juice which was a total bummer because I was starving from lunch until I made my evening juice. I need to get some of that green powder stuff and coconut water.

My first evening juice is:
A basket of strawberries
2 carrots
1 beet
1 apple

Delicious!!!!

I've been putting ice cubes in my juices to help with the taste but I'm not sure if I should be doing that or not.

The cup that I have holds about 16 oz of liquid including however many ice cubes I put in it, so I'm going to aim to drink 5 of these tall cups a day!

Day 2 is significantly easier than day 1 was, however I do feel like eating a cheeseburger. But I recognize that it's only a craving and not actually hunger... boo... If only my body needed a cheeseburger!

Though Stuff

I've written a lot today, but I'm going through many different emotions. It was harder to get through the second juice today.

1 beet
1 handful of strawberries
1 cucumber

I think I'm going to try to keep the juices simple from now on and not get too crazy. I went to the store today and bought 2 bushels of spinach, a bunch of carrots, apples, and celery. I'm hoping to use these ingredients as the base of my juices from now on.

I opened the fridge and saw some of the Jalapeno cornbread that I bought for Paul yesterday. He doesn't like cornbread and it was very tempting as I am craving anything but juice right now. But I closed the fridge and took a look at my blog. At first I was terrified that I posted the "before" photos of myself, but now I see them as my inspiration. I'm not going to let that cornbread get me!

Off to make more juice:
1 Carrot
1 Apple
1 Beet

Initial Thoughts

Okay, so I'm having a lot of trouble getting this first juice down. It's not the flavor that's getting to me, it's what is happening when the juice hits my stomach. My body has no idea what to do with the immense amount of nutrients I'm giving to it. I don't want to pound it though.
Solution: Water

Day 1 - Morning

Today is August 1st 6:30am. I'm feeling good this morning, very refreshed. Last night before going to bed I had 2 chicken sopes and a cheese quesadilla and boy was I feeling it this morning. My stomach felt a little sick and uncomfortable.

Anyway, I woke up this morning, cleaned the bedroom, Paul and I took out the trash, and I tidied up the living room. I just had my last BM before my first juice. It was pretty firm first and then really soft. Totally uneven, complete unbalanced. More evidence that I need this now more than ever.

When I woke up this morning, Paul walked in and said, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life!" which is actually true everyday, but I have resolved that I will not look back after today and I will no longer allow my insecurities and emotional problems hold me back any longer.

So let me introduce myself to the new me.

Hello,
My name is Alisha. I am 24 years old and live in Long Beach, CA. I do yoga everyday (just about) and try to get to the outdoor yoga session at least once a week. On the weekends, you can find me rollerskating on the beach or shopping at the farmer's market. I put my health first above all else in my life.

Now to start Juicing!
1st Juice:
1 Cucumber
1 Nectarine
1 handful of strawberries
1 bushel of Chinese broccoli

I was nervous about the broccoli because I don't think that I've ever actually had it before. The mixture is manageable but I want to try some more combinations. I really like the cucumber.

On the eve

Tomorrow I start the 10 juice feast! I'm very excited :)

Ephiphany

I just had the most amazing epiphany! I came across this photo taken July 3rd of me and my mom. I look at Alisha's face and think how stretched out and stressed her face looks. I then started to feel sad for her that she is suffering. Alisha is suffering in pain. I then start to feel really bad for her because she doesn't see that she is causing her own suffering. Everyone around her wants her to be happy healthy and joyful but she doesn't believe that she deserves it. Why does she think that? Maybe it's because she doesn't think that she's anything special, that she is not worth people's time.
But... Alisha is soooooo unbelievably special. She is so kind to everyone she meets. She makes everyone around her feel comfortable, appreciated, and listened too. She is so loving and supportive. And everyone around her wants her to be happy and free from pain because she has earned it. She is more than deserving of it. Her mother wants her daughter to not have any problems because she knows the pain from problems like that. Parents want their children to be happy so that they will not suffer in pain.

I don't want to feel pain anymore and there is no one in my life who wants me to suffer. Nor is any one causing this pain but me. I deserve to be free from pain.

Monday I will begin my very first Juice Feast. I recently purchased "A Juice Feaster's Handbook" from RawReform and intend on Juicing for at least 10 days. Last year I did the Master Cleanse with the hopes of jump starting my weight loss. I broke the cleanse, not by going into a more raw and healthy lifestyle, but with a cheese burger.

It was mine and my boyfriend's 2 year anniversary and we had both done the cleanse together. It was his idea to "reward" ourselves for completing the cleanse by eating the most "delicious" thing we could think of. Looking back I realize that I had completely defeated the purpose of the cleanse and basically set myself back to step one of getting control of my health.

I've read a lot about the raw food movement, the health benefits and the lifestyle. But is that really for me? It seems very extreme considering my current life. Typically I wake up during the week around 7:30am or 8 (more like 8). I lounge around, turn on the TV, take a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, grab my stuff and walk out the door. I then walk to the bus stop (I'm usually running late, which makes waiting for a late bus very stressful). I work from 9:30-5pm. After work I'll catch the bus again (unless I have a meeting or something). Walk home from the bus, kiss my boyfriend, change out of my work clothes, grab the take out menu and order in. The rest of the night will usually be me watching television and talking to my boyfriend.

As for food, I eat a lot of white bread and fast food for nearly every meal. I don't cook very often because I claim to not have enough time. I'm hoping that this upcoming Juice Feast will pressure me into creating and maintaining a happy and healthy lifestyle. But what does my life look like as "happy and healthy"?

As far as my body is concerned, I am 5'4" and weighed 225 lbs before I started weightwatchers 7 weeks ago. I'm now down to 219. A whole 6 lb loss. While 6 lbs may seem significant, I can't seem to break through the disgust with being over 200 lbs. I feel bloated almost constantly, my back is in chronic pain, when I sit I feel a "pinched nerve" sensation in my legs, when I lie down on my back I have trouble breathing, when I lie down on my side my back is twisted in such an uncomfortable position that it's really hard to sleep at night. I would prefer to sleep on my stomach, but my breasts are so large that I feel like they may burst if I put too much pressure on them, plus the bend in my back is excruciating.

So ultimately, I am living in a constant state of pain and discomfort. These words seem empty just written like that because "pain and discomfort" seem to be normalized in this society. Everyone seems to be suffering from some kind of pain. And you know what, there's a pill for that. I've recently gotten used to taking 800mg of Ibuprofen without thinking twice.

So why a Juice Feast? I've read a lot about the benefits of drinking only fruit and vegetable juices, which seem almost too good to be true. But I have to ask myself, how much longer am I willing to endure the pain? Sometimes, I get a sharp pain in chest or it feels as though I'm having a heart attack. I'm 24! This should not be happening. I'll be graduating in May of 2012, and at that time, I want to physically look and feel as good as walking across that stage will feel. I have been working towards my degree for 7 years now and I can finally see the end. There is nothing that is going to get between me and that diploma. So really there is nothing that can stop me from Juicing for 10 days except for my own emotional issues.

I'll be blogging (hopefully everyday) while doing this juice feast. I'm nervous, excited and scared all at once. But I know and believe that this will absolutely be the best thing I could have ever done for myself.

Also, today is our 3 year anniversary.