Is this rock bottom yet?

Here we go again. Just two weeks ago I was bawling my eyes out because I was afraid that my boyfriend didn't find me attractive. I've been a wreck for the last 2 hours because when he was transferring some files from a flash drive to the computer, my "before" picture popped up. A side shot of me in a bra and panties at my heaviest point. 220lbs- Two hundred and twenty pounds. I was hoping that I could use that photo to measure my amazing success. Instead it was a slap in the face reminder of the fact that I still haven't done (changed) anything. And I was horrified that my boyfriend saw it. Without warning, there is his fat girlfriend. I don't even let him see me naked if I can help it. (no lights on during sex please)

So here I am again, this time sitting in bed alone with a pile of tissues on the dresser. But is this rock bottom for me? Am I ready to change my life? Honestly, not really.

Here's why:
I'm under a lot of stress both for school and my organization. I'm heading into finals and still have two papers to write. I just made a lifelong commitment to my organization by convincing everyone that we should make it a non-profit. And develop an auxiliary program and host a film screening.

How do I cope with stress and anxiety? I eat. I love delicious food. And the food I'm talking about is not what one would consider healthy. Why do I love it? Because for a brief moment (20-30 minutes. However long it takes to finish a meal) all of my anxieties disappear. I can be free from the stress of school and all of the responsibilities I've given myself. The taste of the foods make me feel good.

So to the internet I go! I'm familiar with all of the weight-loss information. I've been studying nutrition and weight loss since I was in high school. I know that crash-diets don't work and the only way to really lose weight is to change your diet (eating the right combos of food etc.) and plenty of exercise. Everyone's got excuses. So here are mine.

I don't have time to work out. Any spare time I have I should be working on schoolwork or work for the organization. (Basically I feel guilty if I do something for myself, when I have so many other responsibilities)

I don't have time to cook/make/plan meals. (see "logic" above)

Those are really the only excuses I have right now. Also since I'm in such a depressed state right now I know for a fact that if I ate a salad, I would start bawling. So in order to cope with this particular moment of despair, I need a burger and fries. I guess I'll go to the gym tomorrow.

Although I am liking what I'm seeing here on PriorFatGirl.com. And Jen's post titled "You are unhealthy" is probably what I need to remind myself everyday.

http://www.priorfatgirl.com/2011/11/you-are-unhealthy.html

Weight Depression

Why is it so difficult?

My whole life I've struggled with my weight.  I remember so clearly around age 5 when I hungrily reached across the kitchen table for seconds, and my mom saying "do you want to be fat like your cousin?" It was first time I connected being "fat" with being bad. Looking back at pictures of myself I see a perfectly healthy little girl with no sign of eventual obesity. Age 5 was also the year my parents got divorced and the year I was molested by my neighbor Krista who couldn't have been more than 12 years old at the time. It was the year my life went upside down. Just prior to the divorce, my parents lost their house and we went from living in the suburbs in a 4 bedroom house with a playroom, a beautiful backyard and great schools, to a one-room apartment on one of the busiest streets in the city. I quickly had to learn how to fend for myself and my little sister who is two years younger. Both of my parents struggled to make ends meet and between the fighting and the cops arresting one or the other for domestic violence I found simple pleasure in food. Eating a McDonald's "Happy Meal," usually chicken nuggets and fries allowed me to escape the chaos and for a moment focus on how delicious the smooth sweet and sour sauce was on the crunchy exterior of the all white meat chicken piece. I would eat one fry at a time dipped in just enough ketchup. And then the grand finale! A toy just for me, a token to remember how happy that meal had made me. By the time I was eight, I had boxes of McDonald's happy meal toys. I also started being made fun of for being fat. I remember still, clear as day walking down the hallway to the cafeteria and one of my male classmates starting a chant behind me, "1-800-94-Jenny" which was the catchy slogan of the popular 1995 Jenny Craig commercials.

I think that it is safe to say that I never learned how to eat healthy. And since my life was and continued to be chaotic, eating was the only thing I knew that I could control. Food also became a sure sense of pleasure for me. How good food tastes allows me for a moment to forget all of the crappy things going on in my life. In high school I ballooned to 225 pounds and at 5'4" that meant that I was clinically obese. Eventually I moved in with my aunt and uncle and to a new school. I was fortunate to finally live in a home where we regularly had home-cooked meals, and if I asked I could get a homemade lunch too! Not only that, but I was given a gym membership, and both my aunt and uncle would take me to the gym at least twice a week. In a little over a year I dropped down to 165. It was amazing, I went from a size 18 to a size 10! You would think that I would be thrilled. One thing that they don't tell you about losing weight, is that even when you lose the weight, it's a lot harder for your brain to understand that you've lost the weight. I would look in the mirror and still think that I was the same size. I would get anxious when I'd walk between desks because my fat stomach would maybe slide over someone's desk and gross them out. My mom and aunt weren't all that helpful either, saying things like, "you're almost there, if you lose 20 more pounds then you'd look great." I became so demoralized because even after losing 65 pounds, it still wasn't good enough.

When I went to college, I finally gained control of my whole life. I could drive wherever I wanted, I could stay out late, and even drink and smoke if I wanted to. But adjusting to adult life was full of new problems I had to deal with. I wanted to be a stage actor, but upon seeing the thin, almost frail body type of my female peers I almost instantly changed my mind. At my first audition, I was so terrified that the directors were judging me based on my appearance that I messed up my lines in my monologue and immediately went to my advisor to change my focus to something backstage. Living on campus, I had all of my meals at the dinning hall. I ate, whatever I wanted - anything that would taste good. In a year I gained about 20 pounds.  I maintained my weight between a size 12 and 14, mostly because I was constantly busy working 3 jobs and going to school full time. I didn't have time to work out and I certainly didn't have time to make my own meals. I relied on In 'n Out and Del Taco for sustenance. 

The entire time I was unhappy with my weight and sincerely believed myself to be disgustingly fat. Especially compared to my perfectly petite roommates. I bought tons of weight loss magazines and books, I signed up with Jenny Craig, I bought exercise books, and learned everything I could online about how to lose weight and keep it off. I believed that I would never get a guy to love me or be attracted to me because of my weight. I kept thinking, if I could just lose weight, then I would be happy.

But the shitty thing about being over weight because you find pleasure in food, is that when you get depressed about your weight, all you want to do is eat something, because for a moment it will make you feel better, and no, a carrot is not the same as a cheeseburger.

So then begins the cycle of abuse that I inflict on myself. I look in the mirror and tell myself, "you're disgusting, look at how your stomach is sticking out and now drooping over your underwear." When my boyfriend doesn't feel like having sex, I tell myself that "he thinks you're fat. Isn't it gross watching a fat person have sex? Exactly, it's what he's thinking too. Why would he want to have sex with a fat, squishy, disgusting body, when he could just jerk off to porn in the other room?" I don't believe that my boyfriend would cheat on me with another woman, but I do believe that he wouldn't tell me these things to my face in order to spare my feelings. If I flatly ask him if he's thinking this, he would of course deny it, so I don't ask because either answer would be devastating.

Nearly 10 years after reaching my heaviest point, I'm there again. I weighed myself recently at 220. I slowly crept up into 190 and then moved closer and closer to 200, jumping from 200 to 220 happened, it seemed overnight. I look at myself in the mirror and am horrified by the stretch marks on my stomach and hips. It looks like I've been pregnant. Now I'm scared to lose weight because I'm afraid that I will still hate myself and my body. When the skin loosens up, then I'll have all of this loose, scarred skin to remind me that I wasn't and will never be beautiful.

Each time I reach this depressed low point, I try to get healthy again. I look online, "how to lose weight" and now it's even more depressing because I already know everything that is out there. I've tried the crash diets, and then learned how terrible they are for you, I know what my BMI is, and how many calories I should eat in a day. I know that I should eat a combination of healthy foods along with maintaining an excise routine in order to lose weight in a healthy way and keep it off.  And most importantly, I know that it will take a while. It can take months, even a year to lose the amount of weight that I want to. I would like to lose 80 pounds, which would put me at 140. And I wanted to do this before my college graduation in May. Right now that gives me a little over 6 months which is not a realistic goal since they say one should expect to lose 1-2 pounds per week if they are doing it right. 1-2 pounds per week would put me at 30-40 pounds lost. So around 180 if I worked really hard starting today. I guess, if I put it like that, it sounds pretty good. 180 is about 10 pounds less than what I weighed when I met my boyfriend 3 years ago...

But will losing weight really make me happy? Will I still find something to hate about my body? My uneven skin, my gray hair, my stretch marks, my sagging breasts? Probably, so then is losing weight really worth it? 

Another Day

I am confident, joyous, health conscious, spiritual, sexy, athletic, adventurous and a gypsy.

Today I am making a presentation because I'm confident.  I'll also go for a walk today because I'm athletic. Since I'm particularly spiritual I will definitely meditate today.  I will be eating a salad today because it is healthy for me.  Today is going to be a great day because I am filed with joy.

New Beginnings

It seems that I always start the same way. From the beginning or a new beginning. Whatever that means. How can I start at the beginning? The beginning was the day that I was born and to be honest, I have no interest is reliving the last 24 years of my tumultuous life.  So where or when do I start? And what I am I starting?  I seem to always have an idea of what I'm starting. Like, I'm "starting to lose weight" or I'm "starting to get healthy."  But I'm beginning to see a problem with this whole "starting" idea.  First of all, it would mean that I would have to "finish" it.  And honestly, I'm not good at finishing anything.  It is taking me nearly 7 years to finish my undergraduate degree (still not finished).  I can't remember the last book I finished reading, and finishing an assignment for class is excruciating.  So if starting something means that I have to finish it, that's probably not the best way to approach my life.

So what am I doing then? I guess I'm living... It is really hard to maintain that mindset of "living in the moment" mostly because we live in a time-sensitive world.  I have plans tomorrow, I have plans next week, I have stuff I have to do between this moment and the next. So how do I live in the moment?  


OK so there's some stuff for me to think about.  And it is all related to the fact that I'm unhappy. Wait, that doesn't sound right.  I am "happy" in the sense that I have great friends, a wonderful boyfriend and am pretty healthy.  But ultimately I feel as though I'm not living my life. When I say my life, I mean is that my external life is not matching who I am internally.  Inside I'm this confident, joyous, health conscious, spiritual, sexy, athletic, adventurous gypsy.  And on the outside I'm a leader, organizer, clinically obese, overwhelmed, overworked, spiritually unfulfilled, sexually unsatisfied student.

OK... epiphany.  These are all "intersecting" traits of my identity.  All this time I was thinking that my weight was holding me back entirely but now I see that my weight is only one part of who I am (and now I'm remembering when my boyfriend tried to convince me of this before)!  Being a Women's, Gender and Sexuality Studies student, I had always understood how my identity in relation to politics is very inter-sectional, in that I am a woman, I am half Japanese, part white, part native American, working poor, and a student.  But now I see so much more of how unique I really am. 


So now what? Well I guess that I should do what I can today.
Maybe I can try to just do things every day that fulfill my internal self and ignores my external self (because that's not who I really am anyway).

Health-conscious Alisha ate today:
Breakfast: Yogurt cup
2 egg white scramble with mushrooms, green bell pepper, and a slice of colby cheese.

Confident Alisha wrote honestly in her blog today

Joyous Alisha

Spiritual Alisha - will mediate today

Adventurous Alisha

Athletic Alisha - will go to the gym today

Sexy Alisha - will wear some jewelry today

Gypsy Alisha

I only have to worry about today.