On the eve

Tomorrow I start the 10 juice feast! I'm very excited :)

Ephiphany

I just had the most amazing epiphany! I came across this photo taken July 3rd of me and my mom. I look at Alisha's face and think how stretched out and stressed her face looks. I then started to feel sad for her that she is suffering. Alisha is suffering in pain. I then start to feel really bad for her because she doesn't see that she is causing her own suffering. Everyone around her wants her to be happy healthy and joyful but she doesn't believe that she deserves it. Why does she think that? Maybe it's because she doesn't think that she's anything special, that she is not worth people's time.
But... Alisha is soooooo unbelievably special. She is so kind to everyone she meets. She makes everyone around her feel comfortable, appreciated, and listened too. She is so loving and supportive. And everyone around her wants her to be happy and free from pain because she has earned it. She is more than deserving of it. Her mother wants her daughter to not have any problems because she knows the pain from problems like that. Parents want their children to be happy so that they will not suffer in pain.

I don't want to feel pain anymore and there is no one in my life who wants me to suffer. Nor is any one causing this pain but me. I deserve to be free from pain.

Monday I will begin my very first Juice Feast. I recently purchased "A Juice Feaster's Handbook" from RawReform and intend on Juicing for at least 10 days. Last year I did the Master Cleanse with the hopes of jump starting my weight loss. I broke the cleanse, not by going into a more raw and healthy lifestyle, but with a cheese burger.

It was mine and my boyfriend's 2 year anniversary and we had both done the cleanse together. It was his idea to "reward" ourselves for completing the cleanse by eating the most "delicious" thing we could think of. Looking back I realize that I had completely defeated the purpose of the cleanse and basically set myself back to step one of getting control of my health.

I've read a lot about the raw food movement, the health benefits and the lifestyle. But is that really for me? It seems very extreme considering my current life. Typically I wake up during the week around 7:30am or 8 (more like 8). I lounge around, turn on the TV, take a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, grab my stuff and walk out the door. I then walk to the bus stop (I'm usually running late, which makes waiting for a late bus very stressful). I work from 9:30-5pm. After work I'll catch the bus again (unless I have a meeting or something). Walk home from the bus, kiss my boyfriend, change out of my work clothes, grab the take out menu and order in. The rest of the night will usually be me watching television and talking to my boyfriend.

As for food, I eat a lot of white bread and fast food for nearly every meal. I don't cook very often because I claim to not have enough time. I'm hoping that this upcoming Juice Feast will pressure me into creating and maintaining a happy and healthy lifestyle. But what does my life look like as "happy and healthy"?

As far as my body is concerned, I am 5'4" and weighed 225 lbs before I started weightwatchers 7 weeks ago. I'm now down to 219. A whole 6 lb loss. While 6 lbs may seem significant, I can't seem to break through the disgust with being over 200 lbs. I feel bloated almost constantly, my back is in chronic pain, when I sit I feel a "pinched nerve" sensation in my legs, when I lie down on my back I have trouble breathing, when I lie down on my side my back is twisted in such an uncomfortable position that it's really hard to sleep at night. I would prefer to sleep on my stomach, but my breasts are so large that I feel like they may burst if I put too much pressure on them, plus the bend in my back is excruciating.

So ultimately, I am living in a constant state of pain and discomfort. These words seem empty just written like that because "pain and discomfort" seem to be normalized in this society. Everyone seems to be suffering from some kind of pain. And you know what, there's a pill for that. I've recently gotten used to taking 800mg of Ibuprofen without thinking twice.

So why a Juice Feast? I've read a lot about the benefits of drinking only fruit and vegetable juices, which seem almost too good to be true. But I have to ask myself, how much longer am I willing to endure the pain? Sometimes, I get a sharp pain in chest or it feels as though I'm having a heart attack. I'm 24! This should not be happening. I'll be graduating in May of 2012, and at that time, I want to physically look and feel as good as walking across that stage will feel. I have been working towards my degree for 7 years now and I can finally see the end. There is nothing that is going to get between me and that diploma. So really there is nothing that can stop me from Juicing for 10 days except for my own emotional issues.

I'll be blogging (hopefully everyday) while doing this juice feast. I'm nervous, excited and scared all at once. But I know and believe that this will absolutely be the best thing I could have ever done for myself.

Also, today is our 3 year anniversary.