On the Eve of my 25th Birthday

Tonight, I prepare for tomorrow. Now more than at any other time in my life I feel like I am about to embark into a new journey, shedding, like a cocoon, the first 24 years of my life.
My life is about to expand to allow new and exciting experiences into my life. In order to prepare and make space for Alisha and her beautiful life, I have to release some lingering "things" (emotions, ideas, beliefs).

1. I don't have to be perfect.
Wow that one came out of nowhere (or has it always sat close to the surface?) This is important for me because I've always placed a lot of pressure on myself to lead by example. I always felt the need to prove to others that I am worthy of their time, money, etc. The need to be perfect seriously contributed to a long period of anxiety induced stress and a few severe panic attacks. Striving for perfection or excellence in school or at my jobs was a way for me to convince others that I was better than my body.

2. My body is amazing
For the past 25 years, my body has always been there for me. I've had very good health my whole life aside from the chronic back pain and obesity, I am only "at risk" for certain diseases, and have somehow staved off diabetes. My doctors are always shocked that I am no where close to high cholesterol or high blood pressure. Each time the results come back I breathe a sigh of relief that I made it another year without some life altering diagnosis. That said, my body is not only relatively healthy, but also strong. I can lift quite a bit of weight by myself. I've also always been really flexible. My body loves stretching and actually likes being active in general. It also can heal itself. Of course I need to help it by providing the right foods and exercise but overall, my body does its normal functioning pretty well without much intervention.

3. I can't save everyone I love
This is a tough one because I have always felt the urge to take responsibility for other people's happiness. This probably started in childhood. I seemed to be shrouded in sadness and chaos as a child. I figured out that if I was nice to others and loved everyone, then I could help make them happy. This was all based on the belief that happiness is what is ideal for everyone. I still believe this to be an ideal, however I believe now that "happiness" for everyone is not always the same thing. I also now believe that I cannot make everyone happy. Some people may not like me, and that is fine. When I give advice and try to help others, and they don't take my advice, then it doesn't matter. Everyone is living their own life, inclusive of all the things they are willing to tolerate. Rather than spending so much time trying to save others. I should work on saving myself, before I am completely lost.

4. If I want to keep the friends I like, I have to reach out.
Over the last few years I have gone from having too many friends to count, to having only a few to talk to. It doesn't really matter how many friends a person has, it mostly matters the quality. I've lost a lot of friends of quality over the years. I think instead of trying to reach back to old friends, I'm just going to try to be better friends to the ones I have now. I need to be cultivating strong, sincere, honest friendships. In order to that I need to be present. I need to show up.

In celebration of living 25 complete years of life, I'm going to commit to loving and honoring myself. My top priorities for this, my first year of discovering and falling in love with my true self are:

1. Emotional Health
 - More feelings of peace
 - More feelings of joy
 - More music, art, and poetry

2. Mental Health
 - More meditation
 - More reading
 - More puzzles

3. Nutritional Health
 - Nutritious Meals
 - Daily vitamins and supplements
 - Detoxes

4. Physical Health
 - Daily movement
 - Weekly yoga/meditation
 - Daily stretching

5. Healthful Beauty
 - Natural body treatments
 - Natural skin treatments
 - Natural hair treatments

Happy Birthday Alisha. Enjoy it because you deserve it.

Post Workout 3 Week 7

it's midway through week 7 and I'm not feeling very confident that I'm ready to implement all of these tools into a daily routine by myself. I keep getting distracted when I don't have things that I need to do everyday.

Post Workout 1 Week 7

Because of spring break, my trainer and I decided to move my training to Monday. My workout today was really good but difficult. I did hover planks today which really showed how much further I need to go. I like feeling like my goal is just out of reach because the progress I make towards it is very significant. Some things that I'm letting go of: 1. Getting to the gym at a specific time. - as long as o get my workout in, it doesn't matter what time I go. So this means plan ahead! If I have plans or something to do, make sure that I plan for my workout too. 2. Eating perfect - I do enjoy many kinds of food. If I want to eat it, I'm going to give myself permission to have some. I don't need a full serving, but I can enjoy a taste. I'm going to pay more attention to how the foods make me feel. So far,fresh foods always make me feel great.

Workout 4 Week 6 (assessment)

These 6 weeks really flew by. Before my workout today, my trainer had me do a fitness assessment. Basically all the same tests that we did right before I started training. The results are amazing!! BMI starting: 38.7 Today: 37.3 Change: -1.4 % body fat Starting: 42.4 Today: 39.8 Change: -2.6% Weight Starting: 225.6 lbs Today: 217.9 lbs Change: -7.

Post Workout 3 Week 6

Half way through week 6 already. I really can't believe how fast the time has gone by. My workout today was good. I woke up late today so I was really full and at times uncomfortable, especially during the high heart rate stuff (lateral shuffles and jamball slams). I am noticing a dramatic change in my strength. I can do 20 squats without too much trouble

Post Workout 1 Week 6

Wow today was an emotional workout. My trainer added jumping jacks to my routine. When I saw it on the sheet I got a little panicked. I've always hated jumping jacks since before I could can remember. I sucked it up and tried to do them. I did the first set and nearly started crying. My boobs are so large that it is simply humiliating to do jumps like that. I feel so disgusting and that people are not only laughing but just totally in awe at how large my breasts are. I feel like a side act in a freak show. It makes me physically sick. I didn't make it through the 2nd set. To make things worse, I didn't bring my sports bra and had to wear my regular bra... Today was definitely an emotional stumbling block.

Post Workout 4 Week 5

This week is practically over and I'm feeling really awesome. The scale today said that I've lost 9 pounds! Now those are the results I was looking for. I did my cardio workout today, 35 minutes interval program, switch direction every 1 minute. It is definitely a difficult program and sweat was just dripping off my face and arms, is it weird that I like it? I'm sure a lot of people find it gross but I just imagine that it's fat and other bad stuff leaving my body. So in that sense it is really rewarding. Today I have nutrition counseling at the gym. I'm pretty excited about it. Notes from the counselor: 1. Afternoon snack 2. Every meal or snack needs a lean protein and carbohydrate. 3. Plan separate meals 4. sandwiches for lunch 5. eat every 3-4 hours

Post Workout 3 Week 5

I've noticed that I'm only journaling after my full body workouts. Not because the cardio workouts are any more difficult but because I just haven't been giving myself enough time for journaling. Today I got to the gym and started my workout at 8:30. This is exciting because I definitely have plenty of time to get to my classes and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to get up at 6:30 this morning. I think the fear and anxiety of being tired was worse than actually getting up. My workout today was pretty intense. I did pushups on the smith machine but I wasn't able to complete all of the 15 reps. I know I have it in me but my muscles were already fatigued from the lat pull downs, plie squats, and tricep pulldowns. I also rocked my med ball pass throughs. Last night Paul said to me that he would like to get into shape too which made me really happy. I know that I'll be a really good supporter when he's ready

Post Workout 1 Week 5

Today I rocked my workout! It was the first time where I know I was doing the moves right because I could feel the moves activating my whole body. The elevated squats were really difficult but I breathed through them. I'm so glad that I don't care at all if people look at me at the gym. A year ago I know that I wouldn't be so vocal during my workouts but now I have no problem counting out loud and releasing the energy. Bring it on week 5, you are mine

Post Workout 4 Week 4

I'm already more than half way through week 4! Definitely a huge milestone. I'm thrilled that I haven't missed a workout yet. I feel so great after my workouts now. My posture is better, my confidence is up and I'm finally starting to see the changes. It is really exciting. Today I did my cardio on the elliptical again. I really like this machine because because I feel like my whole body is in motion, which makes it much more difficult then the stationary bike. I'm on the machine for 35 minutes and I do the interval training program. I switch every minute from going to forward and then backward. My heart rate is staying up above 165 and can get as high as 185 doing this program this way. Before I would switch between segments and my heart rate would drop quickly into the 150s while doing the forward motion for more than a minute. I'm really loving how difficult it is and that I'm able to go the full 35 minutes. I always end with stretching. It usually feels so good that I like to think about it as a reward for kicking ass on my workout.

Training tomorrow!

Post Workout 3 Week 4

Half way through the week already. Today's workout was really fun although you probably couldn't tell by the look on my face. I was heeving and hoing and wincing and breathing hard. I rocked it though. Ink finally seeing the results I've been looking for. My side planks were so much easier today although I didn't time them I could at least hold them in a pretty good position before giving up. I'm also seeing changes in my body! Paul and I have been having a lot more sex and my endurance is unbelievable! I'm allay seeing less fat on my back which is great :)

Post Workout 1 Week 4

I haven't written about my workouts since Thursday. Week 3 was definitely a turning point for me in this process. I had an emotional breakdown about mid week. I have been weighing myself intermittently and have not seen a change on the scale at all! I know that muscle weighs more that fat and that I am really making great progress with my workout, it's difficult to overcome the subconscious obsession with the number... These feelings were made worse when I went to buy sine much needed new pants (still the same size. :( That said, I'm working on it. I'm still committed to my health and I have to continuously remind myself that this is now my life. I workout 6 days a week and go to yoga once a week. I really enjoy my workouts,I feel like I'm changing and getting stronger. Today was a really intense full body workout I did 15 pushups! It felt really awesome to see how much I'm improving

Post Workout 3 Week 3

The last day of february and the last 29th for another 4 years. Today I had a really difficult workout. I think that the exercises I did today were overall harder than the ones I did on monday but I think specifically it was the smith machine pushups that kicked my ass. I felt my chest muscles twitch in between the 15 rep sets. I'm glad that I did 15 though, myonly really concern was my right elbow hurting wile doing the downward motion on the bar. hopefully it gets better. 3 hours is the ideal time for my workouts. This includes the entire workout, the shower, some food and the journal :)

Post Workout 2 Week 3

Today I was much more awake. I need to start going to bed earlier so that I can wake up in enough time to do all of my stuff. Anyway, today was a cardio day and instead of the usual 30 mins, my trainer is having me increase the time to 35 mins. I also switched to interval training and I switch between going forward and backward. Definitely difficult but feeling good about it.

Post Workout 1 Week 3

I can't believe it's week 3 already. Today I was REALLY tired. Paul and I smoked a lot of weed last night and then he didn't go to work this morning. When we smoke we have completely opposite libido reactions. Mine increases tremendously and his drops into oblivion. Basically I just waited around this morning so that we could have some fun since he wasn't going to work. Instead he slept and I got a later start then I would have liked. I rushed to get my stuff together and made it to class on time. My plan was to try to finish the lab as soon as possible and go to the gym before class. Oh also, when I left home it was beautiful outside. By the time I got off the bus it started sprinkling. I did not bring a coat today. :( the lab took longer than I would have liked (I was hoping to be done at 12 which would have given me close to 2 hours to workout, shower and get to class. Instead I left class at 12:30. When I got to the gym I realized that I didn't bring a workout shirt or a body scrubber. I went ahead and jumped into my workout. The workout overall went well. I did the side planks which felt really good, I was kind of intimidated by them but I was able to do 8 passes. Today the hardest part of the workout was the side planks. The dumbbell bench press was done on the stability ball. Currently the weight that I've been using is 7.5 lbs which honestly is getting kind of easy,I think that I'll switch to the 10 lb weights on Wednesday. Today I also increased the lat pull down weight from 30-40 lbs for the 2nd and 3rd reps. Overall I'm feeling stronger and this week's word is ”tough” so I'm trying to make each move count. I'm also working on being able to control my eating. I'm still in the same pattern of celebrating with food, or dealing with crisis with food. I know that this will directly affect my progress. :/

Post Workout 6 Week 2

I did it again. Today paul and I went to the gym together. I did my warm up and 30 mins of cardio and then my stretches. For my cardio I did the interval training as recommended by my trainer. It was difficult but I really enjoyed how it made the time go by so much faster. Stretching felt awesome. Overall I'm feeling a lot stronger and healthier. This week I made it the gym early and I really liked not having to worry about it all day long. Tomorrow, paul and I are thinking about going to play some tennis. :)

Post Workout 5 Week 2

So today I met with my trainer and learned some new exercises. Unfortunately I got really drunk last night and was totally hung over. I pushed it out of my mind during the workout but now I'm really feeling it. note to self-no drinking before workouts! In fact I think I'm going to lay off the drinks for a while. Admission-I also ordered some jack in the box last night after drinking. I got the ultimate cheeseburger with curly fries and then some potato wedges! after eating so well for the last couple of weeks, really feel so gross now. I also started getting acid reflux during my workout. Other than that, I'm really making some great progress. Today I held a plank on a balance ball for 47 seconds! I feel that 1 min mark coming :D

Post Workout 4 Week 2

I love going to the gym! I never thought I would say this, but I really enjoy being active and am pretty competitive with myself. I think growing up I really hated exercising because I was convinced that everyone around me were judging me and looking at me. I still think those things but I simply don't care. I'm finally don't this for me and not for anyone or anything else. I really do feel free. Today was a cardio day. I love these a lot. I started with the hard part this time. 5 mins going backwards. But changed it up and only went two mins forward with a 5 point resistance. The time really flew by, and by the end of it I was really sweating. After, I held 3 planks. 2 for 35 sec and 1 for 40! I was really amazed and I think that they're a lot easier when I haven't worked my upper body so hard. after my workout I went to robeks and got the acai bowl which is delicious! Treating myself with health

Post Workout 3 Week 2

Today I did my full body routine. I made a decision to do all of the exercises that I didn't do on monday today. One of which was the smith machine push ups. I was really scared to do it mostly because it's totally out in the open where a lot of guys workout. I'm trying really hard not to let myself get intimidated by the assumed thoughts of those around me, judging me. I sucked it up and got on the machine. Everyone around me was really nice and patient while I did my pushups. I continued on through my workout and felt really great afterward. I want to to get to the gym earlier so that I have time to study. Tomorrow will be the real test since I HAVE to be early to my class tomorrow at 11. So how about a plan. It is taking me about 1 and a half hour to complete my workout and shower. Plus 30 min to get to class. I was to get to class at 10:45a. I need to get to the gym at 8:30 meaning that I have to leave my house no later than 8am. Doing it!

Post Workout 2 Week 2

Today was another cardio day and I pushed myself to a new limit. For the first 10 mins I switch every 2 mins going forward and then backward on the elliptical. Then for the last 20 mins I switch every 5 mins. Going backwards is definitely more challenging than going forward. Now when u stitch to going forward, my heart rate drops really quickly. In order to keep my heart rate up I increased the resistance from 1 to 5! So right now my my cardio routine is 10 min - 2 min switch forward backward cross ramp 10 resistance 1 5 min backward CR 10 Reist. 1 5 min forward CR 10 resist. 5 Repeat Feeling good feeling strong :)